miserable feelings....

I always hope that i never born in this world.... i never feel happy nor satisfied...my life too complex n miserable... im not strong enough to face this attempt...sumtimes i feel like wanna kill myself... but im not dare enough think bout one of biggest sin...

then i feel like i should get out from this home... not home actually just a place 4 me.. didnt mean anything to me.. i cant remember how many times i run away from my home... but 4 sure...i wish i can go as far as i can... n live at a place that no one know me n my past....

thats my family prob..then my friends... sumtimes i feel like they not my friends... i always try my best to be with them when they need...but when i need sum1...theres no one beside me... plus im tirep pretending stupid eventhough i knew every single thing... im not sure what kind of brain i got... i know much thing that i never learn... im not sure why ancient story are too strong in my mind without reading..

back to story...i got nobody in this world... they not my family, my friend nor anyone 4 me... then just my acquaintance... if they really my friends nor my family they should know me n always care bout me.. if they didnt respond thats mean they not my friend... if they got many time to update their blog, why didnt have time to read my story? hate all of u... dont lie anymore coz u only make me suffer...

feelings : hate...

i hate everything bout me... i hate everyone... why cant they see and know what i need n do... when im pretend that i dont care bout them.. they think that im not a good friend.. but did they ever know what i have sacrificed 4 them... they so stupid to understand this... how come i said that i really need n really love to b their friend or part of the family...

i wish they could understand me more than me myself... but seem like its will always stay as my wish.. it wouldnt come true... coz they never know how much i apprecaite them...its only within my feeling... plus i think its time to b like other... pretend good as angel infront other,.. be bad as devil when they didnt see...

i know... not all my friends did this to me... coz one of them chat with me right now... thx illya... love u as friend...

know me better

well.. today im gonna type more bout me... from my fav food, pizza, macaroni n nasi goreng bangkok... then my fav drink.. sky juice, lemonade and strawberry milkshake... my fav author of coz Agatha Christie n Ramlee Awang Murshid... my fav comic artist... kaoru, keith... my fav seiyuu... of coz Yui Makino aka yui-hime... love her voice..

then i like lolita fashion... and my fav fashion brand = baby, the stars shine bright n vivienne westwood.. my wish 4 now... to collect lolita dress as many as i can.... but the one which i wont buy, oji lolita...not my style...i like sumthg like guro lolita... my fav season... snow.. then what else? my fav song depends on my mood... love art n music... my idol, 1st of coz our prophet.. then only i can admire florence nightingale... and now i work as love fairy and novelist...

i didnt have many friends... coz its hard 4 me 2 communicate wif other... only few know who i really am... thats only i can write now... :p

sad sonata from me...

today i hangout wif my friends.. they keep talking bout their ex... its reminds me bout my past.. i hate this guy who taught me how to b a liar like him! he lied 2 me... he said he will love me until i said no to him.... i really love this guy.. how could he lied to me.. he make me back to my life b4... or worse than b4...

then one of my acquantaince, he said that im a big loser when i lied that i didnt learn other culture.. well.. only few ppl who really know me know who i really am... i learn how 2 lied not bcoz im a loser or lack of charisma... but i hate their feeling towards me..

i hate man coz i never get love from my dad.. he leave me when im 2 years old... how come he leave us... and he used 2 slap me when im still babies... i still rmember what happen.. if other kid live happily and cant remember their babies memories... then im the lucky one who can remember everything that happen that time...

but i think i must b proud wif my story... coz that make me can think bout others more than me myself... coz i know how i will get hurt if i try to change it from happen... but im still in mood trauma n phobia... plus im worried that my schizo will b back anytime... plus now i cant hold it any longer... wish that i can end up my life easily..

all the truth bout me...

i never introduce myself b4... i thought everyone already know bout me... then i realise... not all...

well.. my real name that i got from my parents, Nur Zurafika How... why got 'How'? Coz im mix blood... my dad chinese n my mom malay... then my blood type O... i was born in 18 May 1993... my starsigns, taurus... and i love music n arts...

i like icecream, strawberry, bake cake, fashion, drawing, singing, dancing.... my fav colours white, baby blue, violet n baby pink... music instruments that i love - bass, guitar, piano, drum, flute n violin... my parents got divorced when im in 4 years old... 4-5 years, i go 2 private kindergarten... then when im 6years old... my mom send me 2 religious kindergarten... there i learn how 2 perform solat... puasa... arab... many more...

when im in standard 1-2 i learn at sktsm... then my mom remarried... so i have been transferred 2 sk simpang lima. beside la salle school... there i learn many things... althought almost all of the student from a wealth family... but they are friendly... just a boy like 2 bullying me...

then after my mom divorced 4 2nd time... this time bcoz of me... i back 2 my old school... there i meet more ppl that always make me smile bcoz of their stupid joke... n i being friendly wif my bff,... Aida... we keep bullying sam... who are now our BFF too...

when im in form1, i meet 3 others my Bff n 1sister... Kak El... yani, shah, n ann... we make a group that we name it as Da Neko's... ann is one of the most beautiful girl in school... Kak El, Yani n Shah is one of the top student who always got a good marks in exam n SPM... aida is one of the most cutest student... while Sam is the shy2 cat...

4got 2 tell... when im in form4 i used to study at board school... but that time my health getting worse... im not as cheer as b4... they keep asking me what happen... but i cant say anything... n i keep letting them down... im so sorry... i cant do anything 4 my friends...

sorry that i loved you

For all of the time that I tried for your smile
For making you think I was worth the while
So your love love love love love would be mine
For sending you flowers and holding your hand
that no one was there to take a stand
but the love love love made us blind
and I'm so sorry that I hurt you

sorry that I fell through
sorry I was falling in love with you
I'm sorry that I came true
but sorry doesn't turn back time
For all that I have done to you
I wish that I could make it alright
so sorry that I loved you
Sorry that I needed you
sorry that I loved you
sorry that I held you tight
and I'm sorry for making you love me and saying goodbye
for being the one that taught you how to cry
It was love love love and it passed us by
for giving you every thing that you dreamed
for taking it back when i fled the scene
sorry love for wasting your time
and I'm so sorry that I hurt you

sorry that I fell through
sorry I was falling in love with you
I'm sorry that I came true
but sorry doesn't turn back time
For all that I have done to you
I wish that I could make it right
so sorry that I loved you
Sorry that I needed you
sorry that I loved you
sorry that I held you tight

an apology now after all of this time
won't make any difference tonight
but I'm hoping I'm sorry will open your mind
to love love love in your life
sorry that i hurt you
sorry that I fell through
sorry I was falling in love with you
I'm sorry that I came true
but sorry doesn't turn back time
For all that I have done to you
I wish that I could make it right
sorry that i hurt you
sorry that I fell through
sorry I was falling in love with you


I'm sorry that I came true
but sorry doesn't turn back time
I'm sorry that I loved you
Sorry that I hurt you
I'm so sorry that I loved you
i'm so sorry that I hurt you
Sorry that I loved you

gossip girl...

as usual... i always find new story 4 others... yesterday, b4 going 4 driving class... me n my bff hangout at mcD wif other friends... but others only came after my bff back.. many weirdo stories... also bout boutique...

one of my friend said... every single branded stuff was imported from china... then after re-brand they export it.. at the same time my aunt said, china got fake more than ory... then he say my phone were also from china actually...

then just now i got new info 4 my friend... the guy that she like who keep saying i got parkinson just bcoz typing error...he like matured women but her character must make her look cute than her face... dont ever think me if u read this.. i know im look dumbies and always make others worried.. but of coz not me... im just story it back here...

then we gossip bout a guy... who said lovve my friend... but when with me he said no... when with other girl he said, can i hv ur no.... whats going on earth are him going 2 do...

1st day driving license

Gonna kill myself... my friend just told me that i have driving class today... really scare... 1st i still can manage it... i can drive n turn... but then...when we use cone... i keep miss the 8 way... suddenly coz in hurry... i hit one cone... and its........... feel so ashame..

Lucky when in the track i can drive normally.. but the trainer keep saying that im too fast... B4 back he ask me 2 drive as fast as i can... so i just press until it cant be press anymore... thought that i would die... Lucky im still can control the steering... feel great... hope can learn drift and no more good driver.. :P

crazy day..

well... today me n my BFF goes 2 cinema... really hate it... coz a few girls make noise... cant concentrate.... feel like  gonna knock them... but still try 2 b patients...


actually i feel a lil dizzy coz eat 2 much... i already have breakfast n luch at house... since my friends didnt.. we go 2 pizza... then after watching... we go 4 McD... crazy thing n decission that i have ever made...

then when i reach home... i fell asleep... wake only after maghrib... after that online FB n chat as many as i can... i got new thing 2 investigate... also chat with H... he didnt like novel.. n only read dragonballz comic... so i told him.. like a kid... haha... he keep asking do i love the guy i investigate... =__=" actually i just help my friend... why cant he see it...?

plus, he feel happy coz the girl that he admire add his Fb.. n he thought that i help him... and i told him that i dont even knew who that girl actually.. i just heard rumour...

lost wif my own feelings

now im lost wif my own feelings... coz maybe the guy i wrote b4 just in my mind... and im not sure whether im really in love wif him... so i name it as a... easiest 4 all 2 rmmber... in the same time... B always make me laugh n smile. but both of us know we just friends n he know i like A...

but now... after thinking... i feel like more comfort when with B... n even just a chat can make me laugh like a crazy person. and i feel like im in the best mental hospital.... still not sure which is the best way 4 me... mean he best man.. plus A didnt even notice me... how can everything go smoothly?

but i cant love B too even i know he has no gf now... n 1 of my friend like B...
b4 this i already said that i like sum1 right... now my friend just help me to get know him better. but after i add his FB, i still dont know what should i say... feel awkward, anxious...feel dumb...

sometimes im not sure whether i really love him or just like him... sometimes i think that my heart gonna explode... sometimes nothing happen... really hate it... am i really in love or it just my imagination...? or it just bcoz write 2 much love story...

tired day

really tired now.. but still want to share story... well, this morning, i help my bro with his shopping list. after that we rest 4 a lil while..


in the evening, we decide to watch cinema movie using astro... he buy ngangkung and damping malam. but i think it just waste his money. coz he already watch it at cinema. plus damping malam 2 bored. then we buy a decorative lamp 4 our grandma. now i feel like my house and I-City is the same place.

after that we have fun at karaoke studio. well, not a grat moment.. coz he always complaint "are u reading or singing?"... what the difference between those two? i think im singing and reading the lyric... but still feel shame.. coz my bro friend keep looking at us. am i toooooo weird that night? but i dont wear high heel or make up.. just like usual..

then we go 2 uptown.. we but many thing.. including phone strap. actually i want 2 make it as bracelet... since its too long, i make it as phone strap. they keep asking me 2 smile... n then they said.. " u look beauty wif that smile.." i dont have any idea.. they too kind wif me.. feel awkward.

Then i meet my last year monitor. he still rmmber my name after many month we didnt see each other. now he works wif his dad. he ask whether im still sick or feel better... well i dont know.. coz i still cant work. plus i didnt think that i will b cure 1 day... coz im still live in trauma.. wish i had sum1 2 share my feelings.. but im 2 scared they cant accept me.

SOS time

cant believe it... smlm huru hara sgt... rmah chiyo msok ular... pelik gak.. dkat bndr pwn byk ular... ni dh kali ke3... seram btol... lucky my bro see it... just still cant believe that stupid snake beside me... thank god my life still long... haha...

but still in trauma... coz this time that stupid snake cant b caught... invisible snake...4got 2 tell... the snake that always sneek in my house were king cobra... hate it...

Bad feelings..

feel bad right now... 1 of my BFF got problem.. her mom cant walk 4 now.. feel sorry 4 her. hope her mom get well soon.. so i can find a job wif her. i cant bear 2 see her life... shes not from a rich family, but not a poor family 2... every1 seems like 2 bully her... actually im one of them b4 this... when we still in standard 4... i always bullying her... but after we know each other.. we became a good friend.

really hope she can go 2 work... so she get money 2 buy anthing that she needs... eventhough she didnt said what she wants, i know she just like other girl... like me.. worried bout her right now... If any1 read this story, please pray 4 her mom...

story of my life

well.. i dont have idea what should i write today... I know! how bout my life story...

Well... every1 around me said, "U must be a rich girl... From the way u talk, tha way u walk... and of coz my face show sumthng different bout me... Actually my dad from a rich family... he's family got big bussiness... but not my mom. she just a village girl. im not sure wheter its a romantic story or not... coz my dad crash his own car with his fist juz 2 make my mom fell in love wif him..

after that they got married. But the marriage not too long.. My dad leave us when im 2years old... they divorced after 2years later (4 years old). I still rmmber what happen... sometime i feel like i would never b happy.. but then my BFF Aira will said, "Aku tahu aku bukan sahabat yang baik... tapi Allah tak pernah susahkn hambanya. Ujian ni mmg berat untuk kau tp itu yg membuatkn kau lain, hati kau lembut n sensitif..." (I know im not a good friend, but God never make life difficult for his servant. This test was really heavy 4 u but that make u different, you're soft and sensitive...)





Thanks 4 her coz until now she still my BFF... she never leave me when im sad... but im too afraid that i will lose her... I always said that i really hate n envious everything bout her but that wasnt true... such a shame if she read this... but now she got no blog,.. so im really sure this secret will last long...

my schedule 4 today. ( 11-1-11)

well... from 10am until 9.45pm bz with shopping n food...  1st we go 2 serendah. the food taste good. n that was my 1st experience eat stall food.. not a stall actually... its a van which they put chair around the van. at 1st i feel 2 shame 2 sit around there. but then i enjoy the meal..

then we buy many bolsters and pillows... thats my idea actually.. hehe.. my mom bought around 9-10 scarf (tudung).. then i get new idea... i take one of the scarf which red in colour, n give it as my BFF birthday present... thats how i be a good friend today.

yesterday i told u i dont know whether i choose KFC or McD 4 today... so i choose both 4 today... seem like gonna b fat soon...

well when i sent birthday present 4 my BFF... i see that guy... the one i like... he look at me.. but dont know whethr he rmmber me or not... T~T

Special Wish!

Today such a special day 4 my BFF. If she read, i just want to wish her, happy 18th birthday. Hope every single wish she made will come true. cik ecah, semoga pnjg umo n dmurhkn rezeki... klau rezeki melimpah ruah jgn plak lpa hulur pd yg krng bkmampuan... almaklum la org bkal trime gaji.. (Actually nk minx blanje... :P)

well, the girl that i talk about is the left  one. The right one is our sister.. She always protect us. Really miss this time. Hope our friendship will lifelong...

1st sight love

i really miss this guy... although we just meet and have short time together. his feeling towards me? i dont know... and of coz i never told him coz im juz a careless and looks dumbies infront him... i even fell and 4got where to find thing n even tissues 4 meal.

1st we meet, i just take my lunch n suddenly he said, "did u 4got ur tissues?" then only i realised my tissues.. he gave all his tissues... not only that, he help me 2 make juice n milo. i know, not only him... every1 help me... just now i want 2 story bout him, not others. maybe sound nothing 4 others, but if u fall in love wif sum1... then only u will realise how much u will appreciate even just a lil thng he made 4 u...

one day at my mom workplace.

yesterday i cant on9 coz i accompany my mom 2 her office. well, she work as a toll supervisor. actually im not going 4 fun n do nthg... i have to settle a lil bit document that have been delay 4 1month... there got 5 supervisor who will work in shift at one toll. its not an easy thing like just watch the cctv n make a report. they still have to cash up, planning 4 what a toll collector will do after this...

i know its kinda boring... i cant stand wif that document too... so i play around wif their computer game and my phone internet. and at night i 4got theres got AJL, which show music award. lucky my phone still got battery to watch it.


anyway, tomorrow my mom free... so she ask whether i choose McD or KFC 4 lunch tmrrow.. feel like 2 have both... kinda hungry now... need 2 cook sumthng 4 my tummy...

New comer

beep... why i make this blog? because my friends ask me to... plus its been 2year i didnt touch my old blog until i 4got my own password n email.  coz that time i get overboard school... whether i like it or not, i still should go 2 that stupid school... but im lucky coz all my BFF always stand beside me, n never let me down...